Around The World With My Mouth

Last couple weeks I have had the chance to go to some new places to eat and try some stuff I hadn’t had before. Each time it was awesome. I also went to some places where I had been before and had a great meal.

I went to these Japanese place with Kiyoshi where we had curry. I had the chicken curry while he had the beef. It was so damned good and filling. Had a Sprite with it as to not interfere with the taste too much. Awesome curry but it ran through me like a Kenyan during the LA Marathon! This caused me to use a port-a-potty for the first time. Eat it near your home.

I also went to Kinaree on La Brea and Fountain. I love this place and I always get the same damn thing. Yes, I’m that guy. I get the honey pork with steamed white rice and fried crab wantons for an appetizer. I love this place. They are fast and the food has never fucked with my stomach. I also had some of the food from Summer’s plate. I didn’t eat the vegetable part though.

At Benihana I had a steamed shrimp fried rice. I cant even call it just that. There was so much stuff tossed in there. There was rice, shrimp, cucumber, onions. It was loaded and very filling. I also had the chicken.

And don’t let me forget the cool little onion volcano. That was awesome.

And then there was this spot in Venice right by the beach. It was a Mediterranean spot that was very cozy. I cant remember the name of it though but it was really good, even the next day. I got the chicken kabob that had this sauce that made my mouth water. And it came with fries and that made me happy. Very cheap place by the way. For about $20 you get delicious pita bread, real mint tea (with real leaves in it!), and your meal.

Fried Turkey!!!

So you think you’ve eaten a good turkey before? You lie! You have no had a real turkey until you have had it fried. That’s right. Fried, baby. For Thanksgiving my mother made one for the very first time and I was as happy as I was upset. Upset because it took me 30 years to taste this awesome ass thing.

It took about 45 minutes to fry this dirty birdie. It was by far the most juicy turkey I have ever had in my life. I doubt I will ever have better turkey. You dad’s turkey? No. Granny’s? You wish. This, my friends, is the apex. Makes me sad. Being 30 and knowing that I will never eat another turkey that taste better than this one.

If you haven’t had it you should really find a way to. I’m not talking about dipping a turkey in a trashcan full of oil. My mother used a machine for this so powerful it knocked out the electricity! It was worth it though. Next year I will have fried turkey. And the next year after that. Just you watch me. Turkey, people. Fried turkey.

My Stuffin!

So this past weekend I made this stuffing for my cousin Malakia to take to a dinner/early Thanksgiving thing she was going to. I make this stuffing every year but not last year being unemployed and all. Didn’t do my yearly after Thanksgiving dinner at all. This year, same thing. So I was happy that I could make this.


I got the idea for it years ago. And ex got the recipe from a newspaper article and made it but it tasted odd. I knew something was off but not quite sure what that something was. Years later I made it myself and discovered that too much sage was used and not enough milk. Let me just explain what’s in this stuffing that my mother refuses to call stuffing or dressing.





First I take three different types of bread. It really doesn’t matter what kind as long as one of them is dark rye. Jewish, Russian, whatever. I break it into lots of small pieces (this is the longest part of the process). I then take three of four raw eggs and mix it with the bread crumbs. Next I chop up one cup of mushrooms, one cup of celery, and one cup of chopped onions. In a skillet I use about two cups of milk and a pat of butter. I simmer the milk and butter and then toss in all the chopped vegetables. I add a tablespoon of sage to this. Be careful because a little bit goes a long way.





After its been boiling and your kitchen smells awesome I dump the contents of the skillet into the bread and egg mixture. Make sure you mix it well. While that is sitting there take a pan (foil or glass, it doesn’t matter) and spread some mushroom soup (I used celery and no mushrooms whatsoever for my cousins stuffing I made) at the bottom of the pan. I like to use two cans for maximum goodness. Taking the mixture in the bowl out in clumps, just place it on top of the mushroom soup. Toss it in the oven for half an hour at 375 degrees. You can eat it immediately or let it cool off. Whatever.


Hope someone tries this and likes it. The smell alone is worth making it.

Chili's Burgers & Duke's Fish Tacos

Everyone knows I like bacon. I also like burgers. I also like when the both of them get together and have orgies in my mouth. Yesterday me and my lady had various foods from various places. The first was the L.A Zoo where we bought a delicious cappuccino muffin with Sprite. That muffin was awesome. I let Jess eat the crunchy parts since she is a crunch fiend. They made this thing so well. The chocolate chips inside were the proverbial icing on the cake.



Later we headed to Duke’s in Malibu. Bring lots of money when going to Duke’s! We got there early and enjoyed their fish tacos. Get the beer battered ones. Trust me. They come in sets of two and run you about $8 but are filling. They have a ton of guacamole, salsa, and sour cream on the side. We were gonna eat an actual dinner there but the menu is nothing to write home about.



Their mai tais on the other hand are awesome! I like fruit juice (but not actual fruit, go figure) and this had a lot. And remember to stir. Once the booze shows up its an actual party. Its in a decent size glass so depending on how much of an alkie you are one or two should be just fine.



We headed on over to Chili’s in Westwood and got their $20 deal. Now, don’t go in there thinking you’re gonna get some lame ass tiny meal for $20. No. We first got the appetizer which was this nacho dish with jalapeno, beans, salsa, sour cream, and cheese. It in itself was filling. It wasn’t just because we had the fish tacos earlier. This was just big.



Next were out meals. Jess got this ginormous ass salad with chicken in it. I’m serious. This thing was monstrous in size. She was only able to eat about a quarter of the thing. She liked it. I didn’t try it out. I was saving myself for my burger which I expected to be just the best damn thing to party in my mouth all day.



My bacon burger shows up and its huge. The fries were seasoned perfectly. In case you wanna know, I got Sprite to go along with it as it wouldn’t interfere too much with the meal. The waiter was really fast and we had received everything including our dessert in less than 20 minutes of being seated. Everything was hot and tasted very good. We never got around to eating our dessert because we were too full. it’s a chocolate lava thingy with caramel and vanilla ice cream. Yes. Instant mouthgasm.

If you live near a Chili’s go there and get this deal. You will be happy you did. If you head to Duke's, just get there early and head straight to the bar section and get some booze for happy hour and the fish tacos. Unless you wanna pay $20 for just your meal alone.

Sweet Chili Dorito's!!!

Have you ever been mouth f#@ked by a delicious snack? Really? You haven’t? Well, got your oral prophylactics ready because I am about to introduce you to a delicious new chip: Dorito’s Sweet Chili! This is the best chip I have ever tasted since bacon and cheese Cheetoo’s (yes, there was once a Cheetoo with bacon and cheese flavoring).

The first time I ever had these awesome ass things was months ago before bible study at a Subway restaurant. Yes, I know I have knocked Subway before but that was for their customer service, not their chip selection. I had this with a pastrami sandwich and saw a purple bag of Dorito’s (you know how Black folks love purple!) and I grabbed them.

Now, the combination of the words “sweet” and “chili” doesn’t really inspire me to reach into my wallet and buy something, but I was willing to give it a shot. Man, you have no idea how happy I was once I took a bite out of one of these delicious ass chips! How can I even begin t describe what the taste like? Happiness? Love? Sex? I’m not sure. But I am sure that if you ever get your mitts on a bag you’ll be happy. Herein lies the problem.

I have not been able to find these damned thing anywhere but at Subway. And not every Subway carries them. Is this some vast conspiracy being perpetrated by Jared and his Subway cohorts in a scheme to make me seem like a mad man when I go into a Subway and ask “Hey, do you have the Dorito’s in the purple bag?” only to be looked at with glazed over eyes and a head shake? Perhaps.

These chips are harder to find than a virgin at a Catholic school. But once you get your hands on them (the chips not the virgins) you’ll be happy you did. I’m serious. These are some of the best chips I have ever eaten in my life. And I have eaten a lot of chips. I have survived hamburger flavored Dorito’s, ya’ll. I know what I’m talking about.

Baconholic!!!

I love bacon. I’m not afraid to admit it and I’m sure as hell not hiding it. I don’t know what part of a pig it comes from nor do I care to. I have never seen it made nor do I want to. I just want to say that bacon rules and you should all admit it.

Some people don’t eat it for religious reasons. Oh, how sad. Seriously, I wouldn’t even be trying to be a Christian if all of a sudden bacon was a banned item. I’m that serious about it. Think about how bacon makes you feel when you eat it. Crispy, soggy, dripping with grease. It doesn’t matter. I will eat it. A few months back at my lady’s sisters graduation there was a buffet where I consumed maybe two dozen slices of bacon. If you don’t stop me I will keep eating it.

This has been going on since I was a little Dante. If there was bacon near me it was going in my mouth hole. Screw the three second rule. If it was on the floor for an hour I’d still eat it. I just made some bacon for dinner. Bacon with what, you ask? Nothing. Just bacon all by itself. Bacon is a meal. I don’t need eggs, pancakes, juice, and milk. Just bacon.

Hoozle, a pal in Ireland, posted a link about a vodka with bacon in it. I would take one sip and have the largest orgasm ever. One day I will try it and let you all know what I think. Here’s my prediction.

“I no longer need to read another word of the bible. For I have found God!"

Costco Hotdog

So I finally got to taste the myth. Not only did I taste it, I liked it. I liked it a lot. Me and Reinard went up to Costco after a couple of stops at the gas station and his place. We head over to Costco and it was early in the afternoon but totally packed. I was shocked. Didn’t these people have jobs to be at?


So as we’re heading to the door Reinard starts checking his wallet. He cant find his Costco card. We stop and I stare at him and squint in anger. Well, anger and disappointment. I tried to go to Costco years ago with Heidi and they were closing denying me this dream. Now this? Damn it. The funny thing is that I was gonna ask him if he had it before he even came and got me.


We get to the entrance and this old guy is standing there checking folks cards. Reinard tells him that he left his at home so the old dude tells us to go to the customer service desk and get a temporary one. He then adds:


“Better get in there or I’ll shoot ya!”


Or


“Better get in there or I’ll fuck ya!”


We aren’t sure which but either one is frightening. So we get in line for a moment when Reinard says he just wants to eat. So we get in line and ponder the idea of a pizza when I see how cheap the hotdogs were. So we grab two each and a soda. We sit outside and talk for well over an hour about everything. It was very cool. Julie called while we were hanging out and we ended up recording my Rosscast.


So the hotdog. It was big. Like Lexington Steele big (three points if you get that reference). I put onions on it which I never do. Relish, and mustard as well. Reinard managed to break the onion crank with his Hulk-like power. The damned thing was a perfect hotdog. I cant think of a way to improve it. If you have a friend with a Costco card force them to take you there. It’s worth it.

Have Some "B" With Your "L" & "T"

There’s a problem I have with food never looking like it does when its advertised on TV. Yeah, I know that it will never look exactly like it does in the commercials, but is it too much to ask that it looks at least kinda like it does? Subway, you have been guilty of this for a long time!

I’m not a food snob, okay? I will eat at almost any fast food joint. But the ad for this meatball sub has it smoking hot. You can see steam coming off the damned thing. Now I don’t know how many of you have been to a Subway but this is the routine.

1. Wait in line for a while as some goofy mofo takes forever to tell the guy behind the counter what they want. Please use this free time to decide what you want please. Because after waiting for five minutes and doing nothing but stare at the menu you should know what you want in your mouth besides my impatient fist.

2. Speak slowly. Most people that work at Subway use English as their second language (not being racist just stating a fact). And be patient because even when you tell them exactly what you want they will ask if you want more things on it. Stuff that don’t even go together.

3. Decide whether or not you really want that sandwich toasted. They are trying to be like Quizno’s and toast everything. Why would I want a pastrami sandwich toasted? Maybe they have to ask that but they really don’t need to.

4. Sit and wonder after they make your sandwich how it manages to look like it was used to beat Rodney King. You just watched them put this thing together but for some reason when you open it the damned thing looks like it got beaten. Just hope it tastes good.

5. Don’t get the extra bacon. Its only like two slices of microwaved bacon. They charge a buck fifty for it and its just not worth it. Matter of fact, don’t order their BLT. Its most lots of L and T with very little B, alright?

I hope I have helped you all save yourself some drama with dealing with Subway. Their deals aren’t really worth it but when you’re really hungry just head to one. Thank God they don’t do drive through’s. You’d still be waiting in line and starving.

Get Yo Drank On!

Lots of people don’t think about how important a drink is in regards to their meals. With fancy stuff like wine they do. You drink white wine with some things and red wines with others. Fancy stuff, right? This isn’t about fancy stuff. This is about soda.

With certain foods certain sodas are required. With foods that are heavy in spice (Indian, Mexican) I would request a Sprite, Sierra Mist, or 7-Up. These lemon lime based drinks are good because they don’t overpower the natural spices. The last thing you want is to have a delicious meal and wash all the taste away by drinking something fruity like Hawaiian Punch.

With foods like barbeque fruit drinks are the way to go. Orange soda and grape soda work best. I don’t know why but they do. The strong taste works very well with most meat based dishes as well. Steak with Hawaiian Punch is awesome. Turkey sandwiches with orange soda is good. I suggest you all try it. You wont be disappointed.

Some sodas don’t mix well with foods. Cream sodas and root beers don’t mix with many things. Plain hotdogs and just French fries are okay but who the hell wants to eat that alone? Strong drinks like Coke and nasty ass Pepsi go well with barbeques and meat but never with pastas. By no means should you ever drink a dark soda with pasta.

Try Sierra Mist for Italian foods. I have tried orange soda with pizza and its okay but Sierra Mist offers the perfect combination of fizz to the tomato and cheese.

You all should try these out and let me know what you think. I am a professional in matters of soda. Also, let me know what mixes you find that work well.

Tilapia Fish!!!

I’ll be the first to say that I have no idea of what to do when it comes to making fish dishes. No idea. Everyone says that its really easy and that you pretty much have to just marinate it in something and then fry or grill it. Nothing is ever that easy, okay? So I decided to give this Tilapia fish my mother gave me a try.



First I thawed the fish out completely. Even this part made me worried because I didn’t want to have it get warm before it was prepared. I soaked it in a lime juice for about an hour and a half. I want it to have the citrus taste but not too much, you know? I didn’t want some fish shaped lime for lunch. I tossed it in the fridge and waited.



After it was marinated I placed it in a foil covered pan with some light oil on the bottom to bake. Camille told me that I really didn’t need to bake it but I just wanted the fish firmer. This is just me being silly and trying to treat it like a steak or something. So leaving the lemon juice in the pan I placed it in the oven for 20 minutes at 200 degrees.



Once removed by using a spatula (get a strong one so the fish doesn’t fall apart like a couple if mine did) place it in cornbread mix. I didn’t use an egg or milk. Just straight sweet cornbread mix. A tiny bit of season salt was added to the fish as well. Then I used a cast iron skillet at 300 degrees with half a table spoon of butter and a few drops of vegetable oil in the pan until it was brown. Placing the tilapia fish in carefully I let it crisp on each side for about a minute and a half. It cooks pretty fast, ya’ll. After this I put it in the over at about 175 degrees just to keep it hot while I made chicken rice.

It came out way better than I expected. Even when folks tell me something is easy you just never know, right? The cornbread gave it a slightly sweet taste while the lime juice countered that for a good combination. I drank pink lemonade with it but suggest anything light like Sierra Mist, 7-Up, or any clear beverage. Yes, the drink you have with food is very important. I’ll talk about that some other time though. Right now I’m hungry.