Chili's Burgers & Duke's Fish Tacos

Everyone knows I like bacon. I also like burgers. I also like when the both of them get together and have orgies in my mouth. Yesterday me and my lady had various foods from various places. The first was the L.A Zoo where we bought a delicious cappuccino muffin with Sprite. That muffin was awesome. I let Jess eat the crunchy parts since she is a crunch fiend. They made this thing so well. The chocolate chips inside were the proverbial icing on the cake.



Later we headed to Duke’s in Malibu. Bring lots of money when going to Duke’s! We got there early and enjoyed their fish tacos. Get the beer battered ones. Trust me. They come in sets of two and run you about $8 but are filling. They have a ton of guacamole, salsa, and sour cream on the side. We were gonna eat an actual dinner there but the menu is nothing to write home about.



Their mai tais on the other hand are awesome! I like fruit juice (but not actual fruit, go figure) and this had a lot. And remember to stir. Once the booze shows up its an actual party. Its in a decent size glass so depending on how much of an alkie you are one or two should be just fine.



We headed on over to Chili’s in Westwood and got their $20 deal. Now, don’t go in there thinking you’re gonna get some lame ass tiny meal for $20. No. We first got the appetizer which was this nacho dish with jalapeno, beans, salsa, sour cream, and cheese. It in itself was filling. It wasn’t just because we had the fish tacos earlier. This was just big.



Next were out meals. Jess got this ginormous ass salad with chicken in it. I’m serious. This thing was monstrous in size. She was only able to eat about a quarter of the thing. She liked it. I didn’t try it out. I was saving myself for my burger which I expected to be just the best damn thing to party in my mouth all day.



My bacon burger shows up and its huge. The fries were seasoned perfectly. In case you wanna know, I got Sprite to go along with it as it wouldn’t interfere too much with the meal. The waiter was really fast and we had received everything including our dessert in less than 20 minutes of being seated. Everything was hot and tasted very good. We never got around to eating our dessert because we were too full. it’s a chocolate lava thingy with caramel and vanilla ice cream. Yes. Instant mouthgasm.

If you live near a Chili’s go there and get this deal. You will be happy you did. If you head to Duke's, just get there early and head straight to the bar section and get some booze for happy hour and the fish tacos. Unless you wanna pay $20 for just your meal alone.

Sweet Chili Dorito's!!!

Have you ever been mouth f#@ked by a delicious snack? Really? You haven’t? Well, got your oral prophylactics ready because I am about to introduce you to a delicious new chip: Dorito’s Sweet Chili! This is the best chip I have ever tasted since bacon and cheese Cheetoo’s (yes, there was once a Cheetoo with bacon and cheese flavoring).

The first time I ever had these awesome ass things was months ago before bible study at a Subway restaurant. Yes, I know I have knocked Subway before but that was for their customer service, not their chip selection. I had this with a pastrami sandwich and saw a purple bag of Dorito’s (you know how Black folks love purple!) and I grabbed them.

Now, the combination of the words “sweet” and “chili” doesn’t really inspire me to reach into my wallet and buy something, but I was willing to give it a shot. Man, you have no idea how happy I was once I took a bite out of one of these delicious ass chips! How can I even begin t describe what the taste like? Happiness? Love? Sex? I’m not sure. But I am sure that if you ever get your mitts on a bag you’ll be happy. Herein lies the problem.

I have not been able to find these damned thing anywhere but at Subway. And not every Subway carries them. Is this some vast conspiracy being perpetrated by Jared and his Subway cohorts in a scheme to make me seem like a mad man when I go into a Subway and ask “Hey, do you have the Dorito’s in the purple bag?” only to be looked at with glazed over eyes and a head shake? Perhaps.

These chips are harder to find than a virgin at a Catholic school. But once you get your hands on them (the chips not the virgins) you’ll be happy you did. I’m serious. These are some of the best chips I have ever eaten in my life. And I have eaten a lot of chips. I have survived hamburger flavored Dorito’s, ya’ll. I know what I’m talking about.

Baconholic!!!

I love bacon. I’m not afraid to admit it and I’m sure as hell not hiding it. I don’t know what part of a pig it comes from nor do I care to. I have never seen it made nor do I want to. I just want to say that bacon rules and you should all admit it.

Some people don’t eat it for religious reasons. Oh, how sad. Seriously, I wouldn’t even be trying to be a Christian if all of a sudden bacon was a banned item. I’m that serious about it. Think about how bacon makes you feel when you eat it. Crispy, soggy, dripping with grease. It doesn’t matter. I will eat it. A few months back at my lady’s sisters graduation there was a buffet where I consumed maybe two dozen slices of bacon. If you don’t stop me I will keep eating it.

This has been going on since I was a little Dante. If there was bacon near me it was going in my mouth hole. Screw the three second rule. If it was on the floor for an hour I’d still eat it. I just made some bacon for dinner. Bacon with what, you ask? Nothing. Just bacon all by itself. Bacon is a meal. I don’t need eggs, pancakes, juice, and milk. Just bacon.

Hoozle, a pal in Ireland, posted a link about a vodka with bacon in it. I would take one sip and have the largest orgasm ever. One day I will try it and let you all know what I think. Here’s my prediction.

“I no longer need to read another word of the bible. For I have found God!"

Costco Hotdog

So I finally got to taste the myth. Not only did I taste it, I liked it. I liked it a lot. Me and Reinard went up to Costco after a couple of stops at the gas station and his place. We head over to Costco and it was early in the afternoon but totally packed. I was shocked. Didn’t these people have jobs to be at?


So as we’re heading to the door Reinard starts checking his wallet. He cant find his Costco card. We stop and I stare at him and squint in anger. Well, anger and disappointment. I tried to go to Costco years ago with Heidi and they were closing denying me this dream. Now this? Damn it. The funny thing is that I was gonna ask him if he had it before he even came and got me.


We get to the entrance and this old guy is standing there checking folks cards. Reinard tells him that he left his at home so the old dude tells us to go to the customer service desk and get a temporary one. He then adds:


“Better get in there or I’ll shoot ya!”


Or


“Better get in there or I’ll fuck ya!”


We aren’t sure which but either one is frightening. So we get in line for a moment when Reinard says he just wants to eat. So we get in line and ponder the idea of a pizza when I see how cheap the hotdogs were. So we grab two each and a soda. We sit outside and talk for well over an hour about everything. It was very cool. Julie called while we were hanging out and we ended up recording my Rosscast.


So the hotdog. It was big. Like Lexington Steele big (three points if you get that reference). I put onions on it which I never do. Relish, and mustard as well. Reinard managed to break the onion crank with his Hulk-like power. The damned thing was a perfect hotdog. I cant think of a way to improve it. If you have a friend with a Costco card force them to take you there. It’s worth it.